Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Brother, Role Model, Friend

Today is my oldest brother's birthday. Only in the last several years have I begun to understand to what extent Arie has affected my memories, my tendencies, my skills, my tastes, and many more facets of who I am. In honor of Arie's 34th year, I'm writing this post to explain just how much I appreciate him and the brother, role model, and friend he's been to me over the many years I've known him.


A young boy, perhaps four or five years old, walks with his 16-year-old brother on the sidewalk which follows the curve of the tree-lined streets. The older brother holds his hand, guiding him towards their destination: a 7-11 gas station. When they finally arrive, the generous brother buys his small sibling a “slurpy” and a pack of baseball cards, before setting out again to return home, a few short blocks away. But the journey isn’t over so easily; the young boy starts whining, pleading with his older brother to be carried home on a short walk that doesn’t require all that much effort, even from a four-year-old. But once again, the older brother exhibits the love he has for his brother and lifts him to his shoulders.


Indubitably, many of my favorite memories from childhood involve Arie in one way or another, and not just because we shared a house or a room. I was fortunate to be born when I was; Arie was 12, and beginning to be able to shape a more concrete and intentional view of the kind of brother he wanted to be. He styled my hair, helped me place our pet parakeet on my shoulder, allowed me to choose baseball cards from the box under his bed (normally Roger Clemens, Kirby Puckett, or Rickey Henderson, which can be seen from my playing card collection), told me stories (Peter the Great was the main character. Other prominent characters included the Bear and the Magic Prune), defended me from aggressive brothers...it was no wonder that, when his soon-to-be wife (Lindsay) entered the scene when I was ten, I took an immediate dislike to her. The main reason, of course, was that she was a girl. A close second, though, was because she was shifting my brother's attention away from me! It took years for my perception and actions toward her to thaw. All of this is to say: my childhood memories are wonderful, and many of the best ones involve Arie in some way or another.

My teenage years included many visits to my eldest brother's apartment, where sometimes I would even get to spend the night with just him and Lindsay (without my other siblings' presence). Frequently, these special times included a movie, popcorn, a card game, and a much later bedtime than I would have had at home (yes, I still had a recommended bedtime into my teens...not that I always kept it). Looking back now, I am extremely thankful that my brother and his wife made it a priority not to let their relationships with Arie's multitudinous siblings fade. To this day, I still make trips (when busy schedules allow) to spend a night on Arie and Lindsay's couch.

If you know me well, you know that I love music (and have likely been quite condescending toward your own obviously inferior tastes). Name an artist I love, though, and there are 90% odds that Arie is the one who introduced me to the band. Iron & Wine. Ben Folds. Jars of Clay. Burlap to Cashmere. Wilco. The Decemberists. Blind Pilot. The Avett Brothers (and yes, you should listen to ALL of these bands). The list goes on and on and on and on (a notable exception to the "Arie influenced" list is Simon & Garfunkel. I'm still trying to get him to admit to Paul Simon's lyrical brilliance). 

In addition to the musical influences, there is the reading and writing side. A visit to Arie's house includes the inescapable conclusion that he's crazy about books, mostly because you can't enter a room without encountering a bookshelf (full of the coolest editions of his favorite books). Many of the books have not even been deemed worthy as of yet to read, but there they sit. As a child, my first phrase was "read-a-book?" Arie was sometimes the unfortunate recipient of this request, and the time he spent reading to me has not been wasted. I, too, have my own rapidly growing collection of books, many of which were recommended or given to me by my oldest brother. Another memory emerges: surreptitious sneak peaks into the novel Arie was writing on our Windows 95 desktop computer. It had something to do with a Tower. Beyond that, I don't remember much, other than that I, too, wrote stories on that desktop computer. When I was 11-13ish, I compiled my longest story and bestowed it upon Arie. I don't revisit that story any longer (its plot line causes me to shudder upon thinking of it), but I know that at least partial credit for what skill I have as a writer goes to my brother for the example he set as the editor-in-chief of the school paper at JCCC, the thoughtful blogger (before his first child arrived), the exemplary wordsmith.

A few weeks ago, I made the drive downtown on a Friday night after work to visit my brother. It was a rare occasion in his household: his wife and four sons were gone for several days. I opened the door of his lovely house (remodeled mostly by him) to see him sitting beside a wood fire, books strewn across the coffee table, laptop on hand, sermon notes being prepared. We talked for a short while, and then made the ascent upstairs for a game of NBA 2k10. It turned into several games, because I beat him soundly in the first attempt. Following his futile tries to defeat me, we enjoyed a couple of beers and Mission Impossible 4 before he headed to his bed and I spread my blanket on his couch. In the morning, we went to one of his favorite local restaurants for breakfast, where we stuffed ourselves on gravy and biscuits, drank coffee, and discussed the ways in which we're similar, the blind spots we share, and the ways we can both grow. This is the best part of the friendship my brother and I share: amid the fun and the banter, there is the ability to discuss deeper matters without effort or discomfort.

The 1100 words I've already written are not nearly enough to recognize the extent to which Arie has influenced and instructed me, through words and behavior. I've not written of the times I've wept at thinking about how much I miss him, the coffee I love because of his careful tutelage, the basketball games we've played, the trash-talk we've exchanged. Even now I don't fully see just how important and wonderful my brother has been to me, but this I do know: the ways that my brother has loved me, the gifts he's shared with me, the ways he has inspired me...all of these things have had an effect because of the love we both feel from our Father, and God's hand in both our lives to shape and grow us according to His plan. And, although we no longer are part of the same church, our common faith is our best asset in knowing and loving each other. It has always been our best chance at a love that transcends the love brothers naturally have. The way of Jesus, the sacrifice He made to ensure our salvation...this is the power behind the love we know and have experienced. Though I've written about Arie before, I will always have reason to write again.

Happy birthday, brother. I love you immensely.

In the spring of 2009, when I took Composition 1, I wrote about you. Here's my conclusion paragraph:

"It’s hard to explain how much Arie has meant to me in so many different ways: he is the one I cite as the catalyst to my now-diverse music tastes, the one who opened my eyes to the magic of trash-talking, the one who took me on truck rides, the one who still invites me to his noisy house to get advice or just hang out. I owe many things to him, but the best gift he has ever given me is his example: I looked to him for the way to live, and he showed me. He pointed the way to contentment in God, a happy marriage, and a joy-filled life. He has proved by example that life is no walk in the park or jaunt in the mall: life is hard, but the yoke is easy and the burden light for those who put their trust in Jesus. I see Jesus in my brother, because my brother sees Him."

Monday, November 7, 2011

Next.

Sometimes I have thoughts of things I'd like to do. Some days phrases fill my mind, short sentences that streak through the slick passageways of my mind. I realized after my last post that it was my 100th post. It seems crazy to say, but I've been writing on this blog with some level of consistency since January of 2009. So many things have happened in my life in the time between the past and present. For my 101st word-sprinkling, I'm thinking it's time for a series of staccato blurbs, single notes jabbed without rational connection.


  • I want to chase the sunset, to drive down a westward road following the light. I had this thought last week for the first time. It's tugging at my heart. 
  • I've been realizing lately how much a part of my life is influenced by music. Martin Luther said something interesting: "Next to the Word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world." I may not agree completely with him, but there's some truth in what he says. I think that few things have such bearing on how I think and act. There's literally a song for every emotion that I've felt. Lyrics have the capability to make me laugh. There are some songs that only have to begin in order to cause a broad smile break out across my face. For that reason, when I share music, I share a part of myself. The music I love tells the story of who I am. 
  • Point 1: Our bad things will turn out for good.
    • Point 2: Our good things can never be taken away from us.
    • Point 3: The best things are yet to come."-Jonathan Edwards' first sermon
  • There's something amazing in knowing that nothing will ever happen to me that is not for my ultimate good. That's a reason not to stress out. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."-Isaiah 26:3
  • All the joy I ever experience is undeserved. 
  • The rain falls, tiny orbs of liquid dribbling and plopping down on the dry earth. Rivulets form. Roots drink deeply of the nectar, the perfect combination of oxygen and hydrogen that distinguishes this planet from everything else in the solar system. Don't try to tell me that we are accidents, that this happened by blind chance. Even with all of the problems that come with living in a broken world...this is too perfect. It works too well.
  • Why me, God? Why do you love ME?
  • All my favorite people are broken.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Knowing Becomes Believing

So. I'm still working myself back towards writing a "real" post. For now, I'm giving you writing from the past. It's pretty open of me...so hopefully you aren't shocked by what you see. :) A lot of this is an ongoing struggle, too. Please don't think I write from a viewpoint of expertise. Maybe a lot of what you've seen in my life will make sense after you read this. I don't know. I guess you'll find out. Let me know what you think, please.

Knowing Becomes Believing

    The boy walked into the quiet night, stepping towards the massive concrete structure that loomed towards him.  Dark thoughts circulating in his head, he wondered why he was in this situation and if he would ever get out. He envisioned the newspaper headlines that would appear the next day if he decided to give up hope of ever escaping his demons: “Boy found dead on eve of 18th birthday.” Recognizing them as stupid thoughts, he pushed them away and walked away from the soothing dam and calming lights, continuing his search for something that would assuage his doubts and calm his fears.
    He had not always been like this. For years, he had been involved with children’s ministries: Backyard Bible Clubs, Good News Clubs, summer Bible camps, home schooling children’s conferences, tutoring inner city kids. They had made him feel close to God, enjoy his life, and feel like he was giving to people. But something was different. He felt unreal. There was something missing. He felt trapped by the monster that was his own sinful desires. He was trapped. He tried to keep going, and kept doing the things he had always done, hoping they could still give him the same sense of joy and contentment…
    But eventually his happiness dissipated, slowly, leaving him in near despair and wondering if everything he had taught kids for years was true and real. He had not distanced himself from his church; he still wore the mask of believing what he heard and sang inside the walls of that building. But he doubted. Why couldn’t he ever seem to defeat the sin that had trapped him for years? What was the point in “fighting” if he never won?
    He embarked on a crusade of realness. He no longer disguised his emotions, boldly displaying what he felt on his face and in his writing. He stopped singing some of the songs at the church service, stopped reading his Bible, stopped talking to God. He just tried to get by. He just was. He was still searching, looking for something, anything at all that would make him feel better. Even in his quest to be real and unhypocritical, he failed. He was deceptive. In his quest to find something to make him feel wanted and more loved, he imagined the relationship he could perhaps have with the latest girl to catch his eye. Whenever he saw her, the unspoken words he wished he could say clogged up in his throat like the water behind a dam. But there was never anything he could find to make him happy. Months went by, not devoid of light, but characterized by lengthy periods of night.
    Finally, he made a decision to go back to the place where he had felt closest to God and most alive. He returned to the Bible camp for inner city kids in the countryside of Oklahoma and left his “dark” persona behind him, purposing to be real and find God by depending on Him. He went in with the mindset of going to God for help in the tough situations, and came out with hope and faith. God had not let him down. He was teaching children many of the same things he had taught them before, but it was real to him. He believed now instead of just knowing. He hoped instead of despairing. He was fulfilled instead of empty. This was what he had been looking for. He had found God when he became desperate for Him. And when he returned home, he didn’t leave God in Oklahoma. He kept seeking God, learning about God, and drawing nearer to Him.
    A year removed from the lonely boy walking in the night picturing newspaper headlines, he looked back. Yes, he had made mistakes and encountered setbacks. But he was more than just older. No longer did he question what he believed. No longer did he trust just because that’s what he had been taught. He believed out of experience, and he lived in hope. 

Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Love That Conquers(ed)

         There's a song by the Swell Season (an absolutely amazing band) called A Love That Conquers. It's a good song, but its message isn't as powerful as it could be if it were referring to THE love that conquers, has conquered, and does conquer: Jesus'. This is the truth that I need to remember every day, the one that has changed my life and will change my life more, the more I remember it.
       There was a really great sermon given today at my church, by an amazing man who I am blessed to have as my brother. He talked about the passion of Jesus Christ, the pain that He went through because of the sins of all...or, more specifically, my sins. He said some things that I had never thought about before really. One of which was this thought, in my words: what Jesus experienced on the cross was not just the punishment for the sin of all...He experienced the personal hell of every single person who ever lived or would live. He was separated from His Father for the first time ever, a union that was stronger, healthier, and closer than any marriage could ever be. Rejection from the One He had always experienced complete communion with is the sacrifice that Jesus made for me, going through my hell along with the hells of every other person ever.
         When Jesus finally uttered the words, "It is finished," He wasn't just saying that His life was ending. I think that more than that, He was proclaiming victory: IT IS FINISHED! All of my sins were cleansed in one act of intense pain, incredible love, deep humility, and utter separation. That love is the love that conquers, and there is no other. Only when that love loves through our sinful natures can we even come close to knowing what true life is all about.
         Something Johnny said in another sermon is that the best life is the one that experiences God to biggest extent possible. That's what life is about, experiencing God. Through Jesus, we can do that, and see God's beauty in the first flowers of spring, the individual and unique snowflakes, the laughing faces of the ones we love, and all the other manifestations of the huge, infinite love that God has for us.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Vending Machines

Last night I lay awake for a while, unable to sleep. My mind continued to work, and I thought about how I am self-centered. And manipulative. And selfish. And how easy it is for me to try to get what I want out of people. And an image popped into my head: "I use people like vending machines. I try to give them the right combination of things so that I can get out of them what I want. I push the right buttons so that I can get what I want."

That's the way my thoughts went. Remarkably thoughtful for a brain that should be sleeping, yes? Perhaps that's why I couldn't sleep...my brain wasn't ready to stop thinking. And that thought was true. Too often, way too often, I try to get what I want out of people. Instead of seeing how I can give to others without ulterior motives, I look at people to see what I can get out of them, ready to do what I need to in order to get what I want.

This is all an "I" thing. I am selfish, self-centered, and sinful. Jesus commands me to love others, to do things for others without expecting anything in return. But I don't only do this with people. I do it with God as well.

A lot of this "vending machine" approach happens in my subconscious mind and actions. It is easy to go to God to get what I want. What I don't realize when I exhibit this kind of behavior towards God is that what I am really looking for is happiness and fulfillment that only God can give. I look at God like He is a vending machine, when He doesn't charge me anything and instead paid me, basically. He took away my sin and sacrificed His Son so that I don't have to look for something else. He is everything I need! If I could be in constant awareness of that truth, I don't think I would be as manipulative and self-centered as I tend to be.

Our subconscious thoughts and wants determine our actions. When I look at people as objects or how they can make me happy I am displaying a subconscious desire for "false gods." When I look at others as people to serve and give to, I display a heart that wants to obey God and is content in following Him.

Thoughts?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Perhaps I shouldn't post this late...

Late at night, my thoughts often turn melancholy. It doesn't help when I am addicted to a band that is largely melancholy. And beautiful. And haunting. This has been my favorite band for about two months now. They are incredible. And you're already heard a song of theirs on this blog. But this song is better than the previous one I shared. This one, called Alone Apart, by the Swell Season, offers a grain of hope, amidst sadness and pain and apologies.
I think I'll actually break down the lyrics of this song, something I do not do normally. Here they are, with comments of mine included throughout:

How many times have I been here
How many times was I lost
And how many times I'd be lost in the sea
If you weren't there to rescue me

The singer realizes again how often they have been in this place of being lost, only to be rescued by the person this song is written to. It's too easy to forget how much other people do for us. Until we are in the depths of the pit again, and we realize again how many times we have been in the exact or same position.

We're sailing, sailing every night
We're drifting, drifting alone apart
Not to show that we're in need
But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed

Next Marketa Irglova (half of the Swell Season and star in the movie Once) voices something that changes perspective: they are slowly moving apart from each other, becoming more and more alone. It's not too show that they have needs; there is something else that is causing the rift (isn't "rift" a beautiful, haunting word?). Irglova still cares deeply for whatever person this song is sung to; when a breakdown or wound happens, she will take care of them and "heal" their wounds.

How many times have I hurt you
How many times have you
And how many times I'd been on my knees
Begging, begging please forgive me

Next she realizes how much pain she has given, and how much she has received. She dives into her mind to remember how many times she has asked for forgiveness (a positive thing!). Pain is inevitable in any long-term, deep relationship. Forgiveness is necessary for success.

We're sailing, sailing every night
We're drifting, drifting alone apart
Not to show that we're in need
But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed

Chorus again. See above comments.

Thank you for being so patient with me
I've been weaker than I ought to be
Despair and jealousy blinded my mind
And I couldn't see how you're trying for me.

The song ends on hope, and admitting that there is still work to do. She realizes that she has been jealous and hopeless, weak and headstrong. She expresses her gratitude for the patience and effort expended in the middle of her problems. The song doesn't exactly resolve. It ends.

You could take this song and do a lot of things with it: point out that this is how we are with God, that we do not realize our need many times until we are in trouble, that we do not listen to Him and stray. Or you could realize that life is running on a parallel line as our eternal life with God. There will be times when this song is probably very true in your life. I think it shows that the right attitude is asking for forgiveness, and admitting that there is a need. And finally, to hope.

Song below.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Give, give, give. Then give some more.

Something that's been on my mind lately is how selfish I am. And how selfish the church is, as a whole. Yes, there are churches that do a great job with serving others and giving love, but as a whole, many churches are introverted.
What I'm talking about can be illustrated by looking at how many things church people do to "get," at the same time putting off giving for missions trips and soup kitchens. In my church, I go to church on Sunday and listen to a sermon (receiving), go to youth group on Wednesday (receiving), go to Faithwalkers over winter break (receiving), go to the True Life Retreat in the fall (receiving), etc. The question then becomes what am I doing to give to other people my time and love and service? There are things that I do (Good News Club, volunteering at the City Union Mission, teaching a group of young teenage boys at my church, going to camp in Oklahoma for a few weeks, going on a mission trip once a summer), but I don't feel like that's enough. Even if that's enough, I get the feeling and I know people who do a lot less than that. Why don't Christians want to act out what Christ says, to "give up your lives for your friend (or enemy, or people you don't even know)?"
Serving and volunteering in places where we're comfortable isn't going to help us grow. When I first went to Oklahoma in 2007, I had made up my mind that I did not want to go, that it was going to be a horrible time, etc. But it was an amazing time, and I was changed by serving in a place I wasn't comfortable in and didn't want to be when I got there.
My challenge for you: give your time to people who need it. Make time to give time. Do things you're not comfortable doing. Evaluate your schedule: are you receiving a lot more than you're giving? Are you giving at all? What do you need to do to give more? Are you ever serving outside of your comfort zone?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Do You Realize?

Alright. Time for a song. I try not to post too many songs, but I love music. So I have to post one about every other or every third time. This song is called Do You Realize?, by the Flaming Lips. Pay no attention the band name...it's better if you don't think about such things. : ) It's a good song, because it reminds me that life is short, and I've got to make the most of the time I have now, instead of thinking about the past or wishing towards the future. I like it because it's a love song as well as a song that has a specific message: Time is short. Make the most of it.

Remember that you can't listen to the song unless you come to this site. It won't play in the feedblitz email. There's also another version of the song, done by the Postal Service, Death Cab For Cutie's lead singer's side band. It's recommended as well, but generally I like original versions.

Lyrics are after the music player.







One, two, three, four -
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize