"Once I thought the world was crazy
Everyone was sad and chasing
Happiness and love and
I was the only one above it."
I used to view girls as despicable, members of an alien strain, beings to be attacked. Isn't that sad and funny at the same time? Of course, when you're 6, that attitude is still viewed as cute. After my friends had all experienced their first crushes, and I hadn't (I never was interested in talking about it either...so I didn't know of their discoveries), my attitude started getting me into trouble. I was a pretty oblivious child, apparently; I didn't find out about the animosity I garnered until later, when I'd discovered a use for girls myself (please don't get offended. Girls/women are wonderful creations of God, and I appreciate them quite a bit.) and different girls stepped forward with their grudges against me. But, finally, it did happen. "Girls were enemies. Until her, then."*
"Once I thought without a doubt
I had it all figured out
Universe with hands unseen
I was cold as gasoline."
I didn't figure it out. But I thought it was pretty simple. I've gone into the details before on this blog about how I thought I could win attention in my hopeless quest to win approval from depraved sinners just like me. As if ruined mankind could bring me validation and joy! I still try today. But I'm no longer "cold as gasoline." God is warming me, shaping me, changing me. But oh, the lessons to learn.
"Took too long, to think
I was wrong
To believe in me
Only."
Patterns of the mind, the body, the soul...they don't just go away. Ways of looking at people, processes I automatically put people through in my head to judge them; it's depressing to see my wretched man still controlling my flesh. Even when God shows me who He is, I still mix the wonder with my own agenda. Like some putrid mix of cider and orange juice, or coffee and sugar, I drink poison unknowingly and knowingly every day of my life. This is something that I hate but have gotten used to, to some extent. I'm not content, but I've started to see the pattern within the pattern. I'm always going to be fighting against the patterns ingrained within my flesh. And it takes too long.
Once my life was a game
So unfair
Beat me down and kept me there
Unaware of my naysayer
Solitaire was all I was
Playing
Key word: once**. Isn't that a beautiful word, in the right context? Once a sinner, now a saint. Once hopeless, now hope-filled. Once despairing, now joyous. No longer am I condemned to obey my flesh or follow my dead-end patterns to the pit. Now, I'm learning to rejoice in my singleness, in the gift that I've been given to truly know God without distraction or temptation to go to someone instead of the THE One. In Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of OUR faith, I have a brother has chosen to make me a joint-heir in the kingdom of God. And that, right there, is enough to think about for the rest of eternity. I'm called to a higher love, and set free from the circuitous route of endless slavery.
*For Composition I last semester, we were challenged to write about a memory in exactly 100, 50, and 6 words. I wrote about that experience...and finished with those 6. It was fun. You should try a similar exercise sometime.
**Yes, I'm sure that for some, this word will conjure up images of Irglova, Hansard, Irish films, and heartache. That's alright. It does for me too.
Late at night, my thoughts often turn melancholy. It doesn't help when I am addicted to a band that is largely melancholy. And beautiful. And haunting. This has been my favorite band for about two months now. They are incredible. And you're already heard a song of theirs on this blog. But this song is better than the previous one I shared. This one, called Alone Apart, by the Swell Season, offers a grain of hope, amidst sadness and pain and apologies.
I think I'll actually break down the lyrics of this song, something I do not do normally. Here they are, with comments of mine included throughout:
How many times have I been here How many times was I lost And how many times I'd be lost in the sea If you weren't there to rescue me
The singer realizes again how often they have been in this place of being lost, only to be rescued by the person this song is written to. It's too easy to forget how much other people do for us. Until we are in the depths of the pit again, and we realize again how many times we have been in the exact or same position.
We're sailing, sailing every night We're drifting, drifting alone apart Not to show that we're in need But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed
Next Marketa Irglova (half of the Swell Season and star in the movie Once) voices something that changes perspective: they are slowly moving apart from each other, becoming more and more alone. It's not too show that they have needs; there is something else that is causing the rift (isn't "rift" a beautiful, haunting word?). Irglova still cares deeply for whatever person this song is sung to; when a breakdown or wound happens, she will take care of them and "heal" their wounds.
How many times have I hurt you How many times have you And how many times I'd been on my knees Begging, begging please forgive me
Next she realizes how much pain she has given, and how much she has received. She dives into her mind to remember how many times she has asked for forgiveness (a positive thing!). Pain is inevitable in any long-term, deep relationship. Forgiveness is necessary for success.
We're sailing, sailing every night We're drifting, drifting alone apart Not to show that we're in need But I'd heal your wounds if you bleed
Chorus again. See above comments.
Thank you for being so patient with me I've been weaker than I ought to be Despair and jealousy blinded my mind And I couldn't see how you're trying for me.
The song ends on hope, and admitting that there is still work to do. She realizes that she has been jealous and hopeless, weak and headstrong. She expresses her gratitude for the patience and effort expended in the middle of her problems. The song doesn't exactly resolve. It ends.
You could take this song and do a lot of things with it: point out that this is how we are with God, that we do not realize our need many times until we are in trouble, that we do not listen to Him and stray. Or you could realize that life is running on a parallel line as our eternal life with God. There will be times when this song is probably very true in your life. I think it shows that the right attitude is asking for forgiveness, and admitting that there is a need. And finally, to hope.
I must say I'm a bit disappointed at the lack of response to John Wayne Gacy, Jr, but I'm over it.
I'm 18. Big yay. I have more of a negative feeling than a positive one. Because no longer can I be expected to act immature. I'll be expected to act my age, and my age says that I am an adult, and therefore I'll be expected to act that way. Too bad. I'll act the way I feel comfortable acting, mostly. If that's mature, then good.
Alright. To my main point. Have you ever gotten a letter? (Yes. You have.) Have you ever had a feeling of a letdown after reading the letter, as if it didn't live up to the expectations and imaginings you created for it before you opened it? I have. Basically every time I've ever opened a letter, because in my mind I set the bar too high, and I want to too much. Is it a human condition to want too much? Probably. It's pretty frustrating, though, when we don't get what we want or expect, yes? The reality is different than what we want or hope for many times, and when don't see the fulfillment of what our imagination has created, we can experience a letdown. That's what I experience, anyway. Whether it's a letter, an email, or a conversation, often the result doesn't satisfy me. I replay events and conversations in my head, thinking of different words to say, or alternative directions, or anything to change the end result. It's a sad way to live, always to be expecting or wanting more than you can get. So what's the alternative? What are the steps to take to avoid more frustration than necessary? I guess the best I can say is that I need to control my wishingness. New word, yes. The less I expect or want in my head, the less pain I'll get when something I have wanted doesn't happen. Or, I won't even notice that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Alright.
This post was SO disjointed. Sorry for that...I'll make it up, though. Here's an amazing song by Switchfoot, called Faust, Midas, and Myself:
Here are the lyrics: This one's about a dream I had last night How an old man tracked me home And stepped inside Put his foot inside the door And gave a crooked smile Something in his eyes Something in his laugh Something in his voice That made my skin crawl off
Said I've seen you here before I know your name How you could have your pick Of pretty things You could have it all Everything at once Everything you've seen Everything you'll need Everything you've ever had in fantasies
You've one life You've one life You've one life left to lead
You have one life You have one life You've life left to lead
I woke up from my dream As a golden man With a girl I've never seen With Golden skin I jumped up to my feet She asked me what was wrong I began to scream I don't think this is me Is this just a dream Or really happening?
You've one life You've one life You've one life left to lead
You've one life You've one life One life left to lead
What direction? What direction? I'm splitting up I'm splitting up This is my personal disaffection!
What direction? What direction? What direction now?
I looked outside the glass At golden shores Golden ships and masts With golden cords As my reflection passed I hated what I saw The Golden eyes were dead A thought passed through my head A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all
I wanted to wake up again I wanted to wake up again Without a touch of gold Without a touch of gold
What direction? What direction? What direction? What direction? What direction? What direction? What direction? Life begins at the intersection What direction? What direction? What direction now?
I woke up as before But the gold was gone My wife was at the door With a night robe on My heart beat once or twice And life flooded my veins Everything had changed My lungs had found their voice And what was once routine Was now the perfect joy
You've one life You've one life One life left to lead
You've one life You've one life One life left to lead
