The Hope of What Could Be

I must say I'm a bit disappointed at the lack of response to John Wayne Gacy, Jr, but I'm over it.

I'm 18. Big yay. I have more of a negative feeling than a positive one. Because no longer can I be expected to act immature. I'll be expected to act my age, and my age says that I am an adult, and therefore I'll be expected to act that way. Too bad. I'll act the way I feel comfortable acting, mostly. If that's mature, then good.

Alright. To my main point. Have you ever gotten a letter? (Yes. You have.) Have you ever had a feeling of a letdown after reading the letter, as if it didn't live up to the expectations and imaginings you created for it before you opened it? I have. Basically every time I've ever opened a letter, because in my mind I set the bar too high, and I want to too much. Is it a human condition to want too much? Probably. It's pretty frustrating, though, when we don't get what we want or expect, yes? The reality is different than what we want or hope for many times, and when don't see the fulfillment of what our imagination has created, we can experience a letdown. That's what I experience, anyway. Whether it's a letter, an email, or a conversation, often the result doesn't satisfy me. I replay events and conversations in my head, thinking of different words to say, or alternative directions, or anything to change the end result. It's a sad way to live, always to be expecting or wanting more than you can get.
So what's the alternative? What are the steps to take to avoid more frustration than necessary? I guess the best I can say is that I need to control my wishingness. New word, yes. The less I expect or want in my head, the less pain I'll get when something I have wanted doesn't happen. Or, I won't even notice that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Alright.

This post was SO disjointed. Sorry for that...I'll make it up, though. Here's an amazing song by Switchfoot, called Faust, Midas, and Myself:


Here are the lyrics:
This one's about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
Put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

Said I've seen you here before
I know your name
How you could have your pick
Of pretty things
You could have it all
Everything at once
Everything you've seen
Everything you'll need
Everything you've ever had in fantasies

You've one life
You've one life
You've one life left to lead

You have one life
You have one life
You've life left to lead

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I've never seen
With Golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don't think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?

You've one life
You've one life
You've one life left to lead

You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead

What direction?
What direction?
I'm splitting up
I'm splitting up
This is my personal disaffection!

What direction?
What direction?
What direction now?

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
The Golden eyes were dead
A thought passed through my head
A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
Without a touch of gold

What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
Life begins at the intersection
What direction?
What direction?
What direction now?

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With a night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
Was now the perfect joy

You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead

You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead