Once I thought/ the world was crazy...

"Once I thought the world was crazy
Everyone was sad and chasing
Happiness and love and
I was the only one above it."

 I used to view girls as despicable, members of an alien strain, beings to be attacked. Isn't that sad and funny at the same time? Of course, when you're 6, that attitude is still viewed as cute. After my friends had all experienced their first crushes, and I hadn't (I never was interested in talking about it either...so I didn't know of their discoveries), my attitude started getting me into trouble. I was a pretty oblivious child, apparently; I didn't find out about the animosity I garnered until later, when I'd discovered a use for girls myself (please don't get offended. Girls/women are wonderful creations of God, and I appreciate them quite a bit.) and different girls stepped forward with their grudges against me. But, finally, it did happen. "Girls were enemies. Until her, then."*

"Once I thought without a doubt
I had it all figured out
Universe with hands unseen
I was cold as gasoline."

I didn't figure it out. But I thought it was pretty simple. I've gone into the details before on this blog about how I thought I could win attention in my hopeless quest to win approval from depraved sinners just like me. As if ruined mankind could bring me validation and joy! I still try today. But I'm no longer "cold as gasoline." God is warming me, shaping me, changing me. But oh, the lessons to learn. 

"Took too long, to think
I was wrong
To believe in me
Only."

 

Patterns of the mind, the body, the soul...they don't just go away. Ways of looking at people, processes I automatically put people through in my head to judge them; it's depressing to see my wretched man still controlling my flesh. Even when God shows me who He is, I still mix the wonder with my own agenda. Like some putrid mix of cider and orange juice, or coffee and sugar, I drink poison unknowingly and knowingly every day of my life. This is something that I hate but have gotten used to, to some extent. I'm not content, but I've started to see the pattern within the pattern. I'm always going to be fighting against the patterns ingrained within my flesh. And it takes too long.

Once my life was a game
So unfair
Beat me down and kept me there
Unaware of my naysayer
Solitaire was all I was
Playing

 

 Key word: once**. Isn't that a beautiful word, in the right context? Once a sinner, now a saint. Once hopeless, now hope-filled. Once despairing, now joyous. No longer am I condemned to obey my flesh or follow my dead-end patterns to the pit. Now, I'm learning to rejoice in my singleness, in the gift that I've been given to truly know God without distraction or temptation to go to someone instead of the THE One. In Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of OUR faith, I have a brother has chosen to make me a joint-heir in the kingdom of God. And that, right there, is enough to think about for the rest of eternity. I'm called to a higher love, and set free from the circuitous route of endless slavery.

*For Composition I last semester, we were challenged to write about a memory in exactly 100, 50, and 6 words. I wrote about that experience...and finished with those 6. It was fun. You should try a similar exercise sometime.

**Yes, I'm sure that for some, this word will conjure up images of Irglova, Hansard, Irish films, and heartache. That's alright. It does for me too.