The "Gospel Giggles"

Have you ever heard a cicada and laughed? Have you ever thought about the idea that the green grass we walk upon, the kind that turns brown in the winter and drought, and shoots to life in the spring practically overnight, is personally attended to, blade by blade, by God? Ha. I hadn't. Today, though, something was different.

I got up this morning at six a.m., groaning as my dad, who has been helping me wake up in the mornings (at my behest) gently encouraged me to awake, reading from my body language that getting out of bed was the last thing I actually wanted to do. Finally, to placate him, I got up, got dressed, and headed down to the living room to recline on the couch and read a Psalm before curling up for another 45 minutes. The battle against myself continues, morning by morning (Pray for me!). At 7, I left my house, and headed to school, driving through fog so thick that I couldn't see what color the streetlights were till I was almost in the intersections. I love fog. I love how impenetrable it is, how the sun burns it away as if it were nothing more than a flimsy curtain on a radiant stage. 

At school, I read another Psalm, and remembered my neediness (as for me, I am poor and needy). Without much time for further delving, I headed into Spanish class. Exiting another 50 minutes later, I delivered a long overdue birthday present to a friend and then headed to the computer lab to take the open-book quiz due for my history class that morning. On the way, I got several texts from my brother: "Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever." (Jude 24, 25) Not overly enthused, but aware of the power encompassed in those words, I told Johnny I'd do my best to "try and chew on it." Habitual sin, the kind that I battle with, has a way of sapping the energy to pursue Christ out of me. 

Something happened, though, as the day went on. I noticed it as I walked to and from my next two classes: joy. Elation. I was noticing little things and being tickled by how marvelous they were. The leaves on the trees. The veins on my arm. The freckles on my classmate's face (okay, weird, I know). A smile, one I knew was cause for quizzical looks from passersby, grew larger and more noticeable. Onward through my day I journeyed, to the Bible study with my family on campus, Koinonia.

Today we discussed who God is. Oh my goodness. Have you ever tried to think about how huge a topic that is? Think about it. Now, realize how impossible it is to comprehend. Such was my conclusion as my small discussion group looked up the verses on our handout that were listed about God. As we talked about the holiness of God, about his infinite being, about his radical forgiveness, about his choice to give us the choice to choose him or death...I had no ability to do anything but laugh. Have you ever tried to truly understand how ridiculous it is that we have been given the ability to enter into the family of the most powerful being in existence, the ONE who created everything we know and take for granted? Keep trying. 

As my brain scrambled for the rest of the study to wrap my mind around how unjustly merciful to me God is, I began noticing little things;  there were cicadas buzzing (hilarious!), the grass was cool beneath my feet (ha!), the veins in my arms are carrying the blood that keeps me alive (ohmygoodness)! At that point, I was through. The rest of my day has been full of giggling.

I have walked through the hallways, laughing at the brilliancy of the music in my headphones. 

I have yelled for joy on the highway with the windows down at the greatness of His joy and mercy. 

We played volleyball tonight, and at times, there were moments when I have gotten upset and angry in the past at the low level of play and seriousness in my teammates. Tonight, I laughed at the individual greatness of each of their personalities (Team Giggle? How apt, Grosdidier!). 

I have smiled, over and over again, at how He orchestrates every single little thing in my life. Those tiny beard hairs that make up my beard? He causes each one to grow, at its location and length, on my face. HA! My mind is in overdrive, today. What is better than to see all of the little things that make up the manifold, unmerited, HUGE grace of God? One thing: the huge thing that makes all of the little things hold meaning. Jesus died. 

Can you understand the truth that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly? There are many ways to react to that truth, and today, mine has been wonder. Laughter. Joy. I am filled with a joy that I do not deserve and did nothing to receive. 

The laughter (mostly to myself in small spurts of uncontrolled giggling) that has made my day so liveable today is of a kind that I have never known before. My prayer is that I will continue to see just how amazing all of the little gifts that I do not notice normally are, that my eyes would continue to be opened to the brilliance of an ant, to the whisper of the wind, to the individual grains of sand that we trod so thoughtlessly in multitudinous games of volleyball. These things are portholes into the ocean of God's personality, keyholes into the whimsy of His creativity. They are gifts, wrapped individually and unmistakably in a different color and shape and texture of wrapping paper. I should never run out of things to giggle at. I should never have reason to stop smiling without obvious cause. There's an ocean in an ant. 

Once I thought/ the world was crazy...

"Once I thought the world was crazy
Everyone was sad and chasing
Happiness and love and
I was the only one above it."

 I used to view girls as despicable, members of an alien strain, beings to be attacked. Isn't that sad and funny at the same time? Of course, when you're 6, that attitude is still viewed as cute. After my friends had all experienced their first crushes, and I hadn't (I never was interested in talking about it either...so I didn't know of their discoveries), my attitude started getting me into trouble. I was a pretty oblivious child, apparently; I didn't find out about the animosity I garnered until later, when I'd discovered a use for girls myself (please don't get offended. Girls/women are wonderful creations of God, and I appreciate them quite a bit.) and different girls stepped forward with their grudges against me. But, finally, it did happen. "Girls were enemies. Until her, then."*

"Once I thought without a doubt
I had it all figured out
Universe with hands unseen
I was cold as gasoline."

I didn't figure it out. But I thought it was pretty simple. I've gone into the details before on this blog about how I thought I could win attention in my hopeless quest to win approval from depraved sinners just like me. As if ruined mankind could bring me validation and joy! I still try today. But I'm no longer "cold as gasoline." God is warming me, shaping me, changing me. But oh, the lessons to learn. 

"Took too long, to think
I was wrong
To believe in me
Only."

 

Patterns of the mind, the body, the soul...they don't just go away. Ways of looking at people, processes I automatically put people through in my head to judge them; it's depressing to see my wretched man still controlling my flesh. Even when God shows me who He is, I still mix the wonder with my own agenda. Like some putrid mix of cider and orange juice, or coffee and sugar, I drink poison unknowingly and knowingly every day of my life. This is something that I hate but have gotten used to, to some extent. I'm not content, but I've started to see the pattern within the pattern. I'm always going to be fighting against the patterns ingrained within my flesh. And it takes too long.

Once my life was a game
So unfair
Beat me down and kept me there
Unaware of my naysayer
Solitaire was all I was
Playing

 

 Key word: once**. Isn't that a beautiful word, in the right context? Once a sinner, now a saint. Once hopeless, now hope-filled. Once despairing, now joyous. No longer am I condemned to obey my flesh or follow my dead-end patterns to the pit. Now, I'm learning to rejoice in my singleness, in the gift that I've been given to truly know God without distraction or temptation to go to someone instead of the THE One. In Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of OUR faith, I have a brother has chosen to make me a joint-heir in the kingdom of God. And that, right there, is enough to think about for the rest of eternity. I'm called to a higher love, and set free from the circuitous route of endless slavery.

*For Composition I last semester, we were challenged to write about a memory in exactly 100, 50, and 6 words. I wrote about that experience...and finished with those 6. It was fun. You should try a similar exercise sometime.

**Yes, I'm sure that for some, this word will conjure up images of Irglova, Hansard, Irish films, and heartache. That's alright. It does for me too.

Life.

I don't usually post these kind of posts, I don't think. I don't know really. But I think that this shall be a rambling post. Ready?

• I'm really thankful for my summer job. I get to listen to sermons from learned men of God who have sharpened my intellect, deepened my love for God, and increased my desire to serve Him. (How? I'm seeking to see sin for what it really is: wanting God's things without Him. Among other things. That was just one of today's applications. :) ) Also, I have a pretty sweet tan and a lot more money in the bank than in May. 
• I'm encouraged as to the direction my church is going. Any change that happens in my church will have to be undertaken methodically and carefully, but I love the vision and signs of change that God has begun already. If you're interested in becoming part of a group of Christ-followers seeking to know Him together, join those of us who have that vision for my church, and be a part of the change. 
• I'm excited for what God is going to accomplish is my rotten, sinful heart. Praise be to Jesus that I have a new identity in and through Christ, in which I am viewed as a son of God, the same as Jesus. Can you wrap your brain around that? I'm spotless in God's eyes! I'm getting ready to experience Him for the next ten days in Minneapolis, MN, as 17 of our church are heading up there to team up with a church from Ohio and some dear saints from the Urban Refuge to minister to the city and experience a little bit of the Kingdom of God. 
• This fall will be interesting. At least 15 credits, on three days, at JCCC. The Bible study we started last spring will be continuing, and I'm certain that God has great plans for it if we will submit to them. Join us in that endeavor as well, if you wish. We're trying to experience God's love as a community there, too, as we seek to show His love to those who realize something is missing. (Classes I'm taking: Political Science, Composition II, Art History, Mythology of some sort, and Anthropology. Looking forward to them!)
• I think I'm going to get back to my facebook. :/ Yes, I know how much I have railed against it and delighted in my abscence. But I know that there are, somehow, good uses for it. And I feel that I've experienced enough of the grace of God to attempt a comeback and see what happens. If I'm still immature and time-wasting, the deactivate button is never too far away. I'll just have to figure out how to use it after a year and half's distance. And I'm planning an explanation note soon, so don't spread the word just yet. :)
• God is at work in me, shaping me, loving me, teaching me to love. I see bits and pieces of the change, but there's so much more for Him to accomplish. Trust is such a hard thing; I feel that I know what's best for me and especially for others and their choices way too much of the time. I don't know what's best. God does. Love for those who are acting unloveable is another hard thing. Joy when I feel like complaining is such a hard thing to grasp. But God is faithful. And I love Him. 
• The end. (I leave Friday for MTTC, if I didn't say that yet.)

A Love That Conquers(ed)

         There's a song by the Swell Season (an absolutely amazing band) called A Love That Conquers. It's a good song, but its message isn't as powerful as it could be if it were referring to THE love that conquers, has conquered, and does conquer: Jesus'. This is the truth that I need to remember every day, the one that has changed my life and will change my life more, the more I remember it.
       There was a really great sermon given today at my church, by an amazing man who I am blessed to have as my brother. He talked about the passion of Jesus Christ, the pain that He went through because of the sins of all...or, more specifically, my sins. He said some things that I had never thought about before really. One of which was this thought, in my words: what Jesus experienced on the cross was not just the punishment for the sin of all...He experienced the personal hell of every single person who ever lived or would live. He was separated from His Father for the first time ever, a union that was stronger, healthier, and closer than any marriage could ever be. Rejection from the One He had always experienced complete communion with is the sacrifice that Jesus made for me, going through my hell along with the hells of every other person ever.
         When Jesus finally uttered the words, "It is finished," He wasn't just saying that His life was ending. I think that more than that, He was proclaiming victory: IT IS FINISHED! All of my sins were cleansed in one act of intense pain, incredible love, deep humility, and utter separation. That love is the love that conquers, and there is no other. Only when that love loves through our sinful natures can we even come close to knowing what true life is all about.
         Something Johnny said in another sermon is that the best life is the one that experiences God to biggest extent possible. That's what life is about, experiencing God. Through Jesus, we can do that, and see God's beauty in the first flowers of spring, the individual and unique snowflakes, the laughing faces of the ones we love, and all the other manifestations of the huge, infinite love that God has for us.