Late night thoughts from the slouch on the couch...

I have been realizing lately a lot of things about myself. Some things are little, others insignificant, others painful, all the product of having tons of time to think about myself. Two days before Christmas now, and I think I have just enough brain power left in me tonight to post some fragments that have been floating around in my brain.

Fragments like this:

*I love to use "....."s They are fun. And a good way to drift off into nothingness. Now, when I am talking to you in person, text, email, twitter, and you notice a pause, there is an unwritten ellipsis there. Whoops, you know my secret now. Oh well...
*I have a natural tendency to be gloomy, depressed, depressing, discouraging, etc. And I am in a dangerous place, because something in me likes to be in that state. Maybe it's because of the attention I get from acting that way, maybe it's because gloominess has a lot of music that goes great with it, but I have been "down" a lot this year. It's definitely because I am a sinful person.
*The times when I am not down are the times when I get my eyes off of myself and on God, and through that on others. The times when I am not focused on myself are the times when I am happiest. And I am happiest when I am making others happy. Even in my "Scrooge" or Eeyore mindsets, making people like my nephews laugh makes me happy.
*I love music. This is not a new revelation. I especially love great music: music that blends artistic instrumentation with well-written words that I can identify with. I will give an example of music like this at the end of this post.
*I get annoyed with people too easily. Way too easily. I think sometimes that I have my emotions and feelings under control and don't realize how wrong I am. When somebody talking too loud gets on my nerves, something is wrong.
*I have an amazing family, no matter how many things are going wrong. I will never fully realize how blessed I am, just like I can never really understand what God has done and is doing for me.
*I am not a very thankful person. It's easy for me to see ungratefulness in others, but I am just as guilty myself.
*I am a sucker for interesting words. Like introspection. Reverberate. Etcetera. Magnetic. That's what words are to me...and perhaps this is why
*I could spend my life in bookstores around the world. I am haunted by the allure of books, music, movies...and this is why I am a shameless Half Price Books addict. I think I have been in a Half Price Books store at least three, maybe 6 times in the last week. And spent a lot of money there, too. I am not just a browser. I am a consumer.
*I care what people think about me. A lot. I will hopefully address this more in another post, but this is the reason that I am deeply saddened when people don't like music I love, when people make fun of me, when I don't fit in or am no longer part of a group or a friendship I have known my whole life.
*I need God. This is what I need the most and forget the most.
*I hate exercise without purpose, or exercise simply for the purpose of exercising. I need a game or sport to occupy my attention and brain.
*I am not going to show you the contents of my thoughts any more tonight.


Here's a song like I was talking about. It's from a beautiful movie called Once (rated R for lots of language) which has an amazing story and incredible music. Highly recommended. However, I am claiming ownership of having found this band in my family: The Swell Season. They are my most listened music currently. There is not a lot of hope in their music, but their most well-known song is probably one that a lot of whoever is reading this blog can identify with: Falling Slowly. Enjoy. And merry Christmas. Maybe I will write a post about Jesus' sacrifice another time.











I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Huh.

I was going to post about depression. And then I was looking through my old school papers and I found this. It's about a year old. And it's brutally honest, I hope. So know that it's a year old, and some things have changed, but this was me, and parts of it still are. Let me know what you think, or just read it. Whatever.

Reflecting What?

Peter Vanderhorst

9/11/08

To truly know who it is that resides within one’s innermost regions, and what it is that makes someone who he is, he would need to be looking through God’s eyes. In my own blind-by-comparison opinion, Peter Vanderhorst is a fool. When I try to figure out what’s the matter with him, and why he keeps doing the same stupid things, I nearly always end up depressed at the stupidity of man and wishing that life could somehow, sometime, be perfect on this revolving ball we call earth.

Peter Vanderhorst is a boy who needs a reality shot. Life doesn’t revolve around him. He needs to stop acting as if it does, as if everybody should walk up to Peter Vanderhorst and hug him and give him cookies, and say he’s a great guy and everything will be okay and they’re so glad that they’re his friend. He is not deserving of any of these things being said or given to him. If any of them actually happen, it highlights the virtue of those who call themselves his friends, and not anything good about him. Because there is nothing good about him. There are some things that look good, and there are some things that may be perceived as strengths. But Peter Vanderhorst, probably 70% of the time, is wearing a mask. It’s a mask that conceals the depression, the despair, the anger, and the deceit that are there, fighting for the top spot in the emotions, influencing decisions, and creating attitude problems. It’s a mask that mostly hides the conflicting wills and the battle that rages within, a battle over two completely different viewpoints: what is good for him, and what he wants, what will feel good. These battles are normal, that everybody faces, but with him, the fact that he cannot have these things, that he will not let himself have them, makes him angry inside. There are things that he thinks he needs, but cannot have. And there are things he has that he does not appreciate. He starts thinking in ways that are just pitfalls in themselves, in which there is no way to find a “happy ever after.”

“I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.” This quote starts to define his battle. He starts to wonder if life is worth it, to try, because no matter how hard we try to accomplish something, we cannot ever make it with perfection. And that is the truth. There is no reason to live life because of anything in this world. The only thing that would make it worthwhile he does not feel connected to, he does not feel a part of. He feels like a man behind a mask. He feels like he has never really connected. True, there have been times where he has felt close to Him. But the majority of the time, he feels like God is up there and Peter is down here. And there is the sky and the stars and the space in between. It’s too easy to separate Him from what’s happening here, too easy to act as if He can’t see, can’t feel, doesn’t hear.

Peter Vanderhorst is searching. But while he searches, to make sure nobody thinks he’s horrible and disowns him for being angry and hurt and doubting, he hides. He wears a mask.