I was a writer, once.

Sitting down to write for the first time in months, I'm not quite sure what will come out. I worked today, and tried to come up with some thoughts, but I've realized after many posts on this blog that, when I'm sitting to write, nothing comes out like I had planned. I have a feeling the only thing that will stay the same from my earlier thoughts is the title. It's a good one, I think.

This semester has been different. So many things have been different. It's hard to explain without saying more than I want to, but it's probably honest to say that never before have I had as many expectations on me while simultaneously feeling completely unable and unworthy to complete them. Perhaps I'll write about some of the things I did this semester, and see what comes out.

Probably the most unique activity I've done as far as school-related was Model United Nations, through Johnson County Community College. Model United Nations simulates the real United Nations in a very real way, with delegations from universities and colleges from around the states and the world representing real Member States' positions. For me, being a part of two different conferences (in Saint Louis and New York City), I had to research the positions of France and New Zealand on First Committee issues, which have to do with security, arms trade, and other related topics. Never before have I had to use so many different areas before; at the conferences, I gave speeches, compared viewpoints with delegates from nations around the world, wrote resolutions, and learned parliamentary procedure, all while using a vocabulary ten times higher than my normal one. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone with any interest at all...where else can you be involved in an activity that sends you to various famous cities around America at a fraction of the cost, meet people you wouldn't otherwise, and develop so many different vital life skills? It was a great experience.

I wrote several articles for the school newspaper, the Campus Ledger. While I won't be returning in the fall (I'll be working at the school's Writing Center instead...), it was definitely a great experience to interview a wide variety of people on a diverse number of topics. The journalistic writing style is really not for me, though, which is a large part of why I won't be continuing in the journalism field.

I was handed the reins to the on-campus Bible study group at JCCC this semester, along with Jonathan Tate. Ha. Talk about a big responsibility at a time when I feel completely inadequate, and, at times, hypocritical. I'm confident that God worked in spite of me, but a lot needs to change before I'll be comfortable in a leadership role in the fall semester. Some encouraging things, though: the group grew! It was great to see some new faces, new passionate followers of Jesus, and interested attendees. It looks as though God is working, although progress can seem agonizingly slow most of the time.

As far as courses go, I took volleyball, Model Unites Nations, Astronomy, World Cultures, and Interpersonal Communication. I didn't do as well as I should have. I shall have to work harder next semester.

In less than two weeks, I'll be in Italy. Long have I looked forward to the time there, and it's seemed as if it's forever away for a long time. But now it's soon, and my hope is that God stirs my heart for Him. Because, honestly: I am not seeking God like I should be. I am not making time with Him in order for Him to speak truth to me, I am not talking to Him, and I am not doing as I know I should. It's a scary place to be, because I am one who knows what I should do and is not doing it. Typing it out, it's obvious how silly it is for me to be disobeying Him while I know how devastating it is, to me and to my relationship with Him and others. I know I'll come back, I know I'll seek Him, and I should be doing so right now. But I'm not. And it's scary.

I know where truth is, and I know that I should go to it. Truth like this:

17 my soul is bereft of peace;

I have forgotten what happiness^a is;

18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;

so has my hope from the LORD.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

20 My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

21 But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”--Lamentations 3:17-22

I have reason to hope. I should hope. And I should change. And. I was a writer, once.