Thursday, November 18, 2010


The inspiration to write a post of any meaning is hard to come by these days. I know there are lots of things I could write about: any of the things I mentioned in my-more-than-a-month-ago post, my new nephew, any of a number of things going on in my brain, my experience in the student section at the latest KU game, my favorite new music discovery, one of the boring papers I've written this year for school...So maybe I'll combine a few of those things in this post.

Everyone seems so certain
Everyone knows who they are
Everyone’s got a mother and a father
They all seem so sure they’re going far
They all got more friends than they can use

I am not certain. I don't know who I am. I do have an amazing mother and father. I don't know what I'm going for. I don't have more friends than I can use; I use the friends I do have. This is what I do know: I am so weak. I am so tired. I lack the energy to get up at the first alarm most days. Some days, the second. Other days, I just turn all of the alarms off and sleep. I want to get away from it all, from the self-inflicted pain and hurt, the selfishness and self-centeredness, the looming depression I know I can still escape from. So I sleep and hope and wish that it was that easy. 

Except me ‘cause I’m a fool
I’m simple as a bee
As a melody in C
But it don’t matter
There are more wishes than stars

I AM a fool. I mindlessly pursue my own good. I procrastinate forever. I go back to my own vomit. But hey, it's not all bad. I have a God. He's good to me. He gives me the moments of wisdom I do have. And right now, He's focusing on my joy. He's always doing that, you know? He wants my joy. How great is that? Beyond great. 

There’s a place between waking and sleeping
A space where the land meets the sea
That’s where the shadows are keeping
The shine that you once kept for me

Sometimes, in my sleep, I think I think I've found that place. But, when I wake up, I never remember the shine. I just think that, somewhere in my dreams, I know where the feeling is. That indescribable feeling. Shine describes it pretty well. Life is bittersweet. I'm beginning to understand what my oldest brother Arie meant when he called his blog Bittersweet Life. And that's a good thing. There's something to be said for the innocent days, but who actually, truly, really thinks they can live their whole life ignorant of the deeper elements of human existence? It's a nice concept (that's my new cynical phrase, by the way. I used it in my debate earlier this week. It was fun). It's good to understand the bittersweetness of life. In that knowledge we can see the need of our hearts for the ultimate un-bitterness. 

Hey, you don’t know me from an Adam
And I don’t know you from an Eve
We’ve only got boredom in common
Why don’t we just get up, get out of here, and leave
And go ha ha ha
Laughing all over the town
See, you’ve only known me since I’ve been lonely
I’m different when I’m fooling around

I don't think there's anyone who's never wished they could just start their life over with someone who didn't have any preconceptions of them. Does that make sense? So often I feel trapped, boxed, stuck in this picture frame people have created for me based on who I've been, what they've seen, who people want me to be. People mostly see a side of me that isn't me, I think. And that's despite my best attempts to be completely honest, to strip away all the exterior drywall that has hidden my heart. It doesn't work. In my attempts to become completely genuine for all to see, something has always gone wrong. I think it's probably because God doesn't want me to be the person I'm trying to put on display. It'll come. And I just need to be patient enough to wait for His plan. That's all. Not hard, huh? Can you tell that patience is one of my least favorite things in the world? No? I thought not. 

Some days we all are blessed
We sing the world to rest
Until the moon shines through
The broken window pane
And calls you back again

Inspiration is everywhere. I just need to look for it. I'm constantly being called back to the melancholy side of things. But God has put His call in my ear, and I feel like I'm still tuning through static to get a clear signal. That's a constant struggle. I need to learn to embrace that struggle. 

Note: All song lyrics taken from Harper Simon's self-titled album. Specific songs: Audit, Wishes and Stars, The Shine, Ha Ha.


  1. Well, I very much like and sympathize with this post. As you said earlier, we should hang out more.

    What'd you want to do?

  2. bittersweet. this word is very important to me. i like how you used it. i can relate to this word.

    your writing always is a breath of fresh air.

  3. I guess it's a good thing the feeling isn't what counts. Knowledge of Truth comes in handy at times of despair.
    lovely photo.

  4. Nate: I want to BE with you. Haha. I don't know. What do you want do?

    Andrea: Glad to breathe fresh air on you. My breath usually smells pretty bad though.

    Jami: You're correct, and I agree. I'm constantly fighting against what I feel. Knowledge is a hard thing to cling to sometimes, but it's what I MUST cling to. Thanks. My phone did a good job, amazingly enough. I really should get back to using a real camera...

  5. it for sure did good for being a camera on a phone, but yeah, real cameras are hard to beat/