I must say I'm a bit disappointed at the lack of response to John Wayne Gacy, Jr, but I'm over it.
I'm 18. Big yay. I have more of a negative feeling than a positive one. Because no longer can I be expected to act immature. I'll be expected to act my age, and my age says that I am an adult, and therefore I'll be expected to act that way. Too bad. I'll act the way I feel comfortable acting, mostly. If that's mature, then good.
Alright. To my main point. Have you ever gotten a letter? (Yes. You have.) Have you ever had a feeling of a letdown after reading the letter, as if it didn't live up to the expectations and imaginings you created for it before you opened it? I have. Basically every time I've ever opened a letter, because in my mind I set the bar too high, and I want to too much. Is it a human condition to want too much? Probably. It's pretty frustrating, though, when we don't get what we want or expect, yes? The reality is different than what we want or hope for many times, and when don't see the fulfillment of what our imagination has created, we can experience a letdown. That's what I experience, anyway. Whether it's a letter, an email, or a conversation, often the result doesn't satisfy me. I replay events and conversations in my head, thinking of different words to say, or alternative directions, or anything to change the end result. It's a sad way to live, always to be expecting or wanting more than you can get.
So what's the alternative? What are the steps to take to avoid more frustration than necessary? I guess the best I can say is that I need to control my wishingness. New word, yes. The less I expect or want in my head, the less pain I'll get when something I have wanted doesn't happen. Or, I won't even notice that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Alright.
This post was SO disjointed. Sorry for that...I'll make it up, though. Here's an amazing song by Switchfoot, called Faust, Midas, and Myself:
Here are the lyrics:
This one's about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
Put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off
Said I've seen you here before
I know your name
How you could have your pick
Of pretty things
You could have it all
Everything at once
Everything you've seen
Everything you'll need
Everything you've ever had in fantasies
You've one life
You've one life
You've one life left to lead
You have one life
You have one life
You've life left to lead
I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I've never seen
With Golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don't think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?
You've one life
You've one life
You've one life left to lead
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
What direction?
What direction?
I'm splitting up
I'm splitting up
This is my personal disaffection!
What direction?
What direction?
What direction now?
I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
The Golden eyes were dead
A thought passed through my head
A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all
I wanted to wake up again
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
Without a touch of gold
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
What direction?
Life begins at the intersection
What direction?
What direction?
What direction now?
I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With a night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
Was now the perfect joy
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
Hey Peter!
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you ponder on everyday experiences and try to grapple with them on a reflective plain.
I think I agree with you about the "wishingness" - at least to a certain extent. People who dream and then wake up to a world of disappointment have a hard life. At the same time, however, imagination is one of the greatest human capacities that no other species have. Imagination can create castles of sand but it also can adorn reality with life and meaningfulness. Imagination can create Chinese Walls and a wonderful and not simply meaningless game of ping-pong, for instance.
Not ever wanting to live a life of "wishingness," is like saying that you want to eat the ingredients of a pie before they get mixed together and baked. "Eating" life in its most material, unadorned form, without the process of mental preparation, can be rough and disgusting, and make one sick to the mental stomach. It's a lifestyle that is doomed to fail, my brother.
Keep up the writing, and don't worry about the comments!
Timothy
I think it's all about where your hope and "wishingness" lies. Of course we are human and can't NOT wish for things, but if our desire and hope is totally abandoned to the one who knows what's best for us, created our longings and desires... then maybe we can be satisfied because our longings are not in everyday situations or the next fun event...but in the one who knows us better than we know ourselves.
ReplyDeleteSo even when people let us down or things don't go the way we "wish", we can still have the "joy" of what we KNOW(not alwasy feels) to be true- salvation, eternal life, and love that can never be taken away from us unless we choose.
I've been learning this.
God satisfies and nothing else can. i know it's cliche but it's true.
yeah... i've definitely had that where what i thought somebody would say, was totally different than what they actually said. but then i started looking at it as kinda cool because i couldn't control what they would say. for some weird reason thats cool that people surprise me, even if i don't like the surprise.
ReplyDeleteoh. we should hang out some time like IN PERSON dude. as you know, blogs and such aren't anywhere near as ACTUAL friendships. :)